Gaslighting: The Quicksand of Relationships
Surviving gaslighting #101
Gaslighting: we’ve probably all been the victim of it in varying degrees. And many of us will have have also done it — some intentionally, others unwittingly.
If you want a detailed definition of the term, go here. But essentially when someone gaslights you, they mess with your reality and convince you that you are overreacting or mentally unstable. It’s a classic move for people who are hiding a sercret that they are ashamed to be open about. They attempt to distort your truth, to disguise theirs.
I think of gaslighting as the quicksand of relationships. The ground no longer seems stable beneath your feet, and you completely lose your bearings as you are sucked down. Being the victim of gaslighting leaves you confused, stuck, and exhausted.
But there’s a way to get free! Stay with me here…
In real quicksand, you’re unlikely to perish (unless, of course, a tide comes in and drowns you while you’re stuck). The whole… slipping down until you suffocate… is actually inaccurate. Apparently, your lungs keep you buoyant. The trick is to make small, consistent movements to try and allow water in to break the seal of the sand. Then to get horizontal, to increase your surface area.
If we apply this advice to our metaphorical quicksand, it can be just as helpful. Firstly, keep breathing nice and steady. You got this! Though you may be in world of doubt and confusion from being gaslit, begin by making little movements back and forth. This could be as simple as: arranging a coffee date with a friend you haven’t seen in a while because of your relationship situation; or making a small decision that you’ve been putting off because of your brain fog; or investigating a doubt — that tiny itch — that the gaslighter has completely dismissed. Little movements like this keep your circulation pumping and will eventually crack the suction seal.
Once the seal is broken, even a fraction, increase your surface area. That is, make yourself as mentally ‘big’ as possible. Find ways to rebuild your confidence in yourself. Many people keep a gratitude diary, so why not pen a confidence diary? List the things you’re good at, the nice things about yourself, the times your decision making was on-point, your competencies, and when your gut instinct proved correct. Look at those facts written on the page and know they are true.
Suddenly, you’ll have a hand free, an arm, then two. When the suction fully pops, you’ll propel into a new reality, and no-one and nothing will be able to drag you back.
