Lost or Found in the Metaverse
Friends come and go
Have you ever looked back to wonder what happened to a friend you used to be really close to? Or lamented a friendship that went wrong for a reason you don’t entirely understand? Or maybe you’ve rekindled a connection that’s been dormant and you’re puzzled as to why you’d ever drifted away.
The bonds of friendship can be as tenuous as they are enduring. So what are the qualities that see some relationships last a lifetime? And is there any reason to say a short, finite friendship has less value than one that has stood the test of time?
Dr Barry Hammer has a lovely explanation of enduring friendship as being based on a deep level of communication:
[It] arises from development of substantial inner connection, by giving deeply, generously, unselfishly, of their energies to each other, and openly, honestly, directly, revealing their actual experience and true essential core being to one another.
My experience has been just like that. And generally it takes time and trust to get there. Going deep quickly, is a big risk. If it goes awry, we become instantly vulnerable. We can regret the leap of faith. And yet it that moment in time, maybe it’s the connection we need.
My friends are everything to me. It’s not only fair, but accurate to say, that I would not still be here without them. Women grow up understanding the value of close relationships and quickly learn that conversation and mutual support build resilience through connection. We expect to lean on each other. We expect to be cheer leaders for each other. We want to have each others backs.
But even so, it’s not always perfect.
One of the aspects of TV show friendships I love the most is how they resolve conflict. Somehow, some way, when friends fall out, the right lessons are learned, the right words are said, and ultimately everyone grows and learns. And generally, there is an awful lot of plain speaking followed by forgiveness.
Not so… the real thing. The real thing can be messy and awkward and definitely doesn’t go according to a script.
For instance, I recently lost a friend. Not in the final, afterlife kind of way. But in the emotional sense. I still don’t quite understand why. It wasn’t dramatic, or a row, or anything like that. Just disinterest on their part, which took me by surprise after a lifetime of adventures together. I’ve examined my role in this and I’m still stumped. And hurt. And a bit pissed.
When I got past myself and considered what was going on for them, I was able to tap into something wiser and more compassionate. It settled my ego down. But there was still a mourning period and a recalibration. At one time, I considered this friend a “ride or die”. So there was loss. And it was real.
Though there aren’t a heap of studies out there on the impact of friendships, there is correlational evidence that our personal wellbeing and longevity are tied up in them. And more recently, the begining of some causal evidence that social integration (having friends) is associated with significant health benefits such as reduced risk of inflammation and hypertension. The same study also shows that older female primates are less socially active than younger females, but are still highly socially motivated. One suggested reason for their slow down is that they become a lot more discriminatory(?!)
What that studies are missing though, is the influence of one of our key modes of communication. Those primates weren’t conducting their friendships through the lens of a social media platform.
I know it’s changed how I maintain relationships. While I can keep a weather eye on more friends and keep up with events in their lives, I actually don’t get to connect with most on any meaningful level. It feels like I’m knowing them, but it’s an illusion. What I’ve gained in quantity, I’ve lost in any kind of depth.
A once a year birthday greeting, 34 likes, and 2 hearts, does not a friendship make. And yet is it better to have that incidental interaction than none at all? Probably. There are so many people I would have missed out on seeing at all, or never found again without SM.
But now I’m really curious as to how the next incarnation of human online interaction pans out. Will the Metaverse better enable deep friendships, or further disable them?
And if I run into my recently lost friend on there, will her avatar pretend not to see me?
