How Do We Find Our Courage?

Pushing beyond the struggle.

Hey, this is just a thanks to everyone who read and shared my short article on child sex exploitation and trafficking — The Conversation No One Wants to Have. It’s a difficult topic and each and everyone of you shows courage for not stepping back from it.

Photo by Sammie Chaffin on Unsplash

It got me thinking about what courage is and how we access it. Every time I book a dental appointment, or go for any kind of health test, or speak in public, I have to find my little courage. We all experience those kind of moments regularly. We are — partly — the sum of them. And they can be exhausting.

Then there are days when you have to find your BIG courage. The few-times-in-a-lifetime courage that dissolves your insides and requires every shred of your will power. It might be leaving an abusive relationship, or battling an addiction, or facing a serious operation, or cancer treatment, or …

So what is the tipping point for you to be able to act with BIG courage? How do you push beyond the struggle?

Some years ago, I developed a heart arrythmia. It deteriorated quickly over a year or so, until I wasn’t able to leave my bed much. The medical advice said that it probably wouldn’t kill me in the short term, but that it would just destroy the quality of life.

At that stage, I couldn’t walk up a set of stairs, down the driveway, from one end of the house to the other. So…uh… yeah.

Medication didn’t work. Strap in for heart surgery.

It took me nearly a year to decide to have the operation. If they’d said, you’ll die tomorrow without surgery, the decision would have been easier. But it wasn’t that cut and dried. I could live without it, but badly. I should point out that I have a pathological fear of hospitals and surgery. Not just your average anxiety… a great and voracious monster of scariness. Therefore, the decision to have surgery was uncommonly hard. But I did reach a tipping point. It had to be done. I found my big courage.

So, here’s what the studies say about courage…

The ability to be courageous develops over time and includes efforts to fully accept reality, problem solve based on discernment, and push beyond ongoing struggles. Courageous behavior is characterized by efforts to be productive, make contributions, and help others and results in a sense of personal integrity and thriving.

Develops over time… oh yes, indeed. Don’t underestimate the power of time to help you make a courageous choice. Respect your mind’s ability to build your courage and get you there.

Fully accept reality… I relate to that bit. Courage means banishing the illusion that the situation will change, just because you want it to. Sometimes, the courageous act is staring reality in the face and letting it in. Once we do that, our choices simplify. (And that’s not the same as getting easier.)

Push beyond ongoing struggles… For some, this might mean a conscious decision to invite in the discomfort and pain that the next step brings. For others, it might mean closing our eyes, holding our breath, and surrendering to the unknown. I’ve done both. What about you?

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

All of this, of course, relates to the average person’s acts of courage. But there are also those individuals who are uniquely suited to (emotional, intellectual, and physical) high risk acts that would be beyond most of us. These Type T people (think Tom Cruise) apparently require higher levels of dopamine to feel good. Their courage is legendary…

But is it really courage if they’re not battling debilitating fear? There’s a line of thought that the amount of courage you demonstrate is directly proportionate to the fear you experience about the challenge before you i.e., that the actual, objective risk factor is not relevant.

Some people are fearful of a whole array of situations that others never give a second thought. These people live their life exercising courage every day. And that’s a tough gig. Talk to someone with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, or phobias, or clinical depression. Just getting out of bed in the morning can take enormous bravery.

So, next time you find yourself wondering why a friend or colleague or acquaintance is struggling to execute something seemingly easy or make a simple decision, consider the courage they are having to summon to do it.

It might be that they need more time to mentally prepare for the struggle, or to gather the energy they need to fall forward into the abyss.

They might be you… in another context.

Marianne de Pierres writes about the everyday things that fashion our lives, and is especially interested in the concept of truth. Read her series of interlinked articles she calls The Truth Wars: Are You Who I Think You Are?; I Can Neither Confirm of Deny; Burning Down The House; and Thrumming the Web of Influence.